The importance of transitions for officers: How to flip the switch from uniform to home life.
The problem
You come home from work and can’t take off the uniform. It’s your identity and determines how you respond to the people you interact with and how you see the world.
Your kids are too loud and asking too many questions, demanding too much of you. They don’t listen until you scream at them to shut the hell up and go to their rooms.
Your partner is asking you to make decisions that don’t feel important, and you can only answer with “I don’t know” or “I don’t care.” They start asking about your day and since you can’t say more than “It was fine,” they start talking about their day. You don’t hear what they say or respond the way they want so you’ve let them down again.
Instead of staying for the likely argument you grab your beer and head to the bedroom, garage, basement, anywhere to just get away and take the edge off. Even if you stay in the living room mindlessly watching TV and scrolling on your phone, you’ve made it clear you want to be left alone.
What the hell is happening?
Adrenaline and the brain’s ability to generalize similar experiences, especially perceived threats.
You make a certain amount of adrenaline at work to stay ready for a crisis and respond quickly. If the fight never happens and you don’t use that adrenaline it doesn’t just instantly go away. The body must burn through it and until it does it’ll be looking for a fight with whoever is nearby, often your family—after the road rage on the drive home.
The generalizations from work include:
Loud noises mean there’s chaos, I don’t have control of the situation and something bad is going to happen.
Inmates ask for things all day long trying to manipulate me, see if I’m weak enough to give them more than what they’re owed.
People only listen and take me seriously when I yell.
If I make a wrong decision, it can cost me or other people their life. I’m tired of making life or death decisions all day long.
The safest place is not in the middle of a battlefield and any fight, verbal or physical is seen as a battlefield so I’m avoiding it and getting away.
Showing emotions is a sign of weakness. I can’t allow myself to feel or express anything other than the toughness of anger.
What you can do
Give yourself a transition from work to home life because right after work with that level of adrenaline you are not suitable for normal human interaction.
Mentally start getting out of uniform by getting out of the damn uniform. Now I’m not saying get naked in the parking lot but bring a back up shirt or hoodie to switch out of the button up or any department issued gear. And don’t be afraid to wear something in color, not just more of the black and grey because even colors get generalized as uniform in the brain.
Do things that remind your brain you’re no longer at work. Have a good non-alcoholic beverage waiting for you that you only drink when you are not at work. Put on some music that expresses how you feel and sing. If you’re busy singing the wrong lyrics with confidence, you’re not mentally obsessing over the events of the day. Processing is later when you’re not amped up on adrenaline and don’t have access to your higher functioning brain anyways.
Burn through the adrenaline, ideally before you even step into your home. Spend 20-30 minutes on physical exercise to shift the adrenaline into an endorphin. Go directly to the gym or to a local trail for a brisk walk or a light jog. If you have a dog, then go home long enough to grab the dog, put on your walking shoes, and get out the door. Minimize human interaction because the brain sees people as threats right after a long day of threatening people—dogs however are safe and fun to play with.
No gym, weather sucks? Use what you have at home, workouts on an app or YouTube, but exercise before interactions. Then go shower and let the water relax you. Hell, imagine all the negative shit from work washing down the drain as you let it go.
Follow that up with some relaxation to really activate your calming nervous system. Stretch after your workout, or as hip folks like to call it, yoga. Focus on your breath, making your exhale twice as long as your inhale for three to five breaths. Just observe nature if you’re outside and give yourself a moment of stillness which signals to the body you’re not in rushed mode so everything must be safe and okay.
After that, it’s all about self-talk and telling your brain to see home situations differently than work, actively reassessing home situations to find how they are different from work, not similar. This will start getting the brain to put experiences in a different folder, your home folder and not everything in your work folder.
What your loved ones can do
They can choose to accept quality over quantity. If you go directly from work into home, they may get more time with you, but the quality of those interactions will be from a place of feeling threatened and reactive to perceived threats even from them and the environment.
Explain to them what you need, how they can support you, and what transition looks like for you. They could have your shoes and the dog leash ready at the door when you get home. They can make sure the kids wait until you’re back from your exercise and alone time before they try to get your attention. By sharing with them what you need you’re connecting with them and not shutting them out.
Loved ones can hold off asking you to make big decisions until your day off and you can allow them to make smaller decisions without your need to control the situation which builds trust and tells your brain not every decision is life or death.
Conclusion
This is not a free pass to shut out the family and not be an active member of the household because you need “alone time.” This is a transition, 30-60 minutes to allow you to be MORE active, present, and emotionally connected to your loved ones.
And as your partner supports you in getting this much needed transition time, return the favor and give them their own break. Especially if they’ve been home dealing with the kids all day without you, they too deserve some alone time. This is a great time to get fully engaged with your kids or work on a hobby or project that brings you joy while your partner does the same and you both come back feeling recharged.
Because if you just take the time and don’t return the favor, I’ll end up having to write an article about saving your marriage.
Next Steps
If you need more ideas of how to manage your stress and make the most of your transition time, check out the stress management game plan free download.