Stress side effects: Why your memory isn’t what it used to be.
The problem
Your kid sends you a text asking where you are because you were supposed to pick them up from practice after work and you forgot. Your therapist texts asking if you’re running late because despite the text reminder 24 hours ago you forgot your appointment, again.
Your sister calls to ask what you got mom for her birthday that you thought was next week, not this weekend. You make plans with your friends for your day off, forgetting that your in-laws were coming over.
Your spouse accuses you of not listening or worse, not caring, because you flat out don’t remember conversations, she swears you had.
You find yourself forgetting things that you used to easily remember, things that are important and that matter to you. If you don’t write things down or set 3 reminders, it simply doesn’t exist.
What the hell is happening?
Stress, cortisol and the limited space on your mental white board.
Throughout your day your brain writes data on your mental whiteboard. This includes things like:
What you ate for breakfast
What you heard on the news
The conversation with your partner before you left for work
The price of gas you saw on the drive
A funny meme you want to tell your coworker about
It has a limited amount of space to hold that information and when new information comes in something has to be wiped off the board to make room.
It will always prioritize threats to your survival over any mundane information. Threats can be physical or emotional like the threat of rejection, abandonment, or being fired and losing financial stability.
Once you get to work, here’s some of the threats you might face.
Life-or-death decisions that keep you and your partners safe
Verbal threats from inmates that might turn physical later
Criticism from coworkers and supervisors that threaten your regular position
Being put on a unit where you don’t know who to trust so you see everyone as a threat
Being mandated which threatens your sleep, the safety of your drive home, and your relationship with family at home that you’re not able to spend time with
You keep a running list of coworkers to trust and who wouldn’t have your back if a fight breaks out. You keep a running list of which inmates are more likely to act on their verbal threats. You track behavior patterns, body language, and look for any signs that something unsafe is about to happen. Something as little as someone walking on the left instead of right or a subtle head nod to their cellmate are all signs to watch for and compare to your mental list of safe versus unsafe behaviors.
What did you eat for breakfast? What did your spouse ask you to pick up from the store on your way home? What time is your dentist’s appointment? Wait, what day is it today?
There is no room on your mental whiteboard for that information. As soon as you walked into work and assessed the safety of the situation from inmates, supervisors, coworkers and your position on the mandate list, there was no room for anything else. So of course, you forgot.
Add to that, the stress hormone cortisol which interferes with the ability of the brain to retain information. If it doesn’t get written on your white board to begin with, there’s nothing there to retrieve later. You can have no memory of actual conversations because it didn’t get encoded from the start. This is why even on your days off your memory isn’t much better. Stress hormones you’ve created for years and years don’t just go away on your days off, especially when you’re often still reminded of work and keeping those stress hormones flowing.
What you can do
Write shit down. Stop trying to store things on your mental whiteboard.
Ask family and friends to text or email you important information so you can check it later and remind yourself.
Set reminders of events, company coming over, and appointments on your phone with several alarms, not just the day before.
Get a personal sized calendar, a digital one in your phone, and a big one at home, especially if you have a family with their schedules and appointments.
Get a dry erase board for the fridge for your grocery list, to do list, and reminders to wish your mom a happy birthday.
Get a journal.
This can be a real notebook, an electronic password protected word document on your computer or sending yourself emails that only you have access to. Whatever makes you feel safe to speak freely, openly and fully express yourself. Start writing down the things you need to process mentally and emotionally.
You might say, “Well, I don’t write.”
So, you telepathically send all your emails and text messages? You just expect people to read your mind and know what you want, think and feel? I didn’t think so. You write to give messages to other people now I’m asking you to write and give messages to yourself.
Your brain tries to tell you but if your voice mailbox is full of all the important things taking up space, it can’t leave you a message. It can’t tell you you’re cranky because you need to go to the gym and burn off adrenaline, or that you’re tired and need to go to bed early tonight instead of staying up playing video games. It can’t tell you that you need to lay off the caffeine and get some natural energy from glucose like drinking a smoothie.
This is especially helpful if what’s taking up space on your mental whiteboard is lots of anxiety producing racing thoughts. Use your journal to do a brain drain and drain your mind of all those thoughts by writing them down, deciding what you can take action on, emotionally process or just delete and let go. Check out my blog posts on racing thoughts or 4 steps to processing incidents for more details.
Burn through the adrenaline. This helps lower your stress response and the build up of long-term cortisol. Once the adrenaline is used, your brain isn’t looking for threats which clears up space for other data to be written and stored on your whiteboard.
Find ways to relax and activate your calming nervous system. Focus on your breath, making your exhale twice as long as your inhale for three to five breaths. Just observe nature if you’re outside and give yourself a moment of stillness which signals to the body that you’re not in a rushed mode so everything must be safe and okay. If your physical body is relaxed while doing yoga, getting a massage or just taking a hot shower, the brain will start to match it and let go of stress.
Use EFT Acupoints. If you’re in a current stressful situation with intense emotions, using acupoints is a fast way to decrease your stress level and release those emotions. Check out my free EFT guide on my resources page.
What your loved ones can do
Your loved ones can change their expectations around your brain’s ability to remember anything other than what is going to get you killed in the line of duty. They can understand that just because you forget it doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter to you or that you don’t care. You care about so many things, including making sure you come home to them alive. You care that they are safe from any threats you now see in strangers and even at the store, that your brain is holding too much data to remember it all.
Your loved ones can send messages and texts so important information is in writing. They can write things on that to do list or calendar, so they don’t have to repeat themselves. They can also be kind enough to remind you and not just a week or couple of days before important events.
And they can listen to you empty your white board and clear up space by letting you simply vent and share what happened in your day without you asking questions or problem solving, but just listening first. Your loved ones can support you, but you also have to tell them what that support looks like.
Next Steps
If you want more ideas of how to manage your stress, check out my stress management game plan free pdf download.